This scripture was in my reading today. I’m not sure why it stood out to me. It’s a pretty simple little scripture, but it had a lot of meaning this morning. This chapter is when Nephi is going back into Jerusalem to try to get the plates from Laban after both of his brothers had tried and failed. Nephi says:
“And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do.”
The scriptures are filled with stories that follow this theme: Eve willingly partaking of the forbidden fruit; Moses and the parting of the Red Sea; the children of Israel being fed by manna in the wilderness; Nephi returning to the city having no idea how he was going to confront Laban; Alma standing up for Abinadi; the 2000 stripling warriors going off to war; Joseph Smith offering up his first prayer; the early members of the church who crossed the country with handcarts. Every one of these stories are about people who were led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things they would have to do, what they would have to endure, or how their lives were going to turn out. That takes an incredible amount of faith.
I’m pretty impatient. I am particularly impatient when it comes to my life. I want to have faith. I want to follow the guidance of the Spirit. But I also want to know what is going to happen next! I believe one of the biggest lessons I was sent here to learn is how to walk in the dark, following the guiding light of the Lord, trusting that He knows where He is taking me and that it will all be worth it in the end. I have been trying to learn that lesson for a long time, but it is slow in coming. Every time I think I’m finally getting somewhere, I run into a wall or trip on a rock or fall into a hole. Picking myself up and moving on has become second nature, but what I’m really trying to learn is how not to fall. I know I’m going to continue to run into problems, but I want to be steady enough that the problems no longer have the power to drag me down. And I believe that power comes when I know I am following the Savior and can trust that He is leading me down the path that our Father has prepared for me.
My journey of recovery has been hard. But I know I am being changed, healed and transformed at levels deeper than I can imagine. Although I don’t like walking in the dark, I know that it is in the darkest places that I find the most growth. So, for today, I will have faith that the Lord is in control of my life. I will believe that when it is time, He will lead me into the light where I can find peace. That may not be in this lifetime, but that is OK. I have enough faith to make it through whatever my Heavenly Father has prepared for me. I will let him lead me “by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do.”